I keep rewriting this fucking blog entry.
It started off sappy and sweet remembering the good times. Then I went on a dirty/naughty path that could have just turned out bad in the long run. And then I was just telling the story and it sounded like I was writing for a high school newspaper.
Instead, I decided to just get out what the hell is going on in my head and my heart without all the cheesy/gory details. This story will come to life on it’s own. It’s been 25 years, so there is a lot to tell, and a lot of the story is just crazy naive girl crap.
My heart breaks for him still
I miss him.
I love him.
It hurts every time I spend time with him, knowing I can never be with him.
Each time he reaches out to me, I know it’s not good. I know I should just ignore him. I can’t. I am tied to him.
I won’t let that tie break.
But I know I shouldn’t see him.
25 years of friendship, and only about a 8 months of that we were a couple. Unbelievable when I think about what an affect he has over me. Several of my boyfriends after him were me trying to fill the void he left in me. None of them were right. But that’s because I am not supposed to be with him.
I love my husband. He provides so much for me and my family. He loves me unconditionally, and I truly love him. But he will never fill that empty space in my heart that was left when me and “G” broke up.
It was just a walk and coffee that sent me on this spiral. Innocent chat about Princess cakes and styles of houses we liked and disliked as we walked along. Nothing that would have raised an eyebrow to an outsider. My friends would know. They would see it before I even realized it was happening.
I just want him to have a happy life. It breaks me to know that will not be with me, but we are far too dysfunctional to ever be together again.